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Keshco - New EP released

2010-01-02T22:47:00.002Z

Keshco's latest EP, 'The Power of Hot Air', was released as a free download on the 23rd of December by the excellent Swedish internet label 23 Seconds.

22 Great Minutes of all things Keshco.

http://www.23seconds.org/040.htm

Trolley Crash countdown

2009-10-19T21:29:00.002+01:00

Quick, quick, quick...the Trolley crash EP stands at 997 downloads on archive.org

Be the 1000 downloader and win a big big prize

Keshco updater - 17 tracks of pure groove

2009-09-19T22:44:00.003+01:00

Hello.

New Keshco sounds/sights on the net and on CD include:

All new vombat radio session from the 01/08/2009 - listen out for the first live attempt at some new songs and a special guest appearance from a famous mop top. Visit the vombat radio or achive.org sites to hear.

There are also some relatively new keshco adverts on youtube. One promoting our last London gig, but even more brilliantly our new album....Deforestation of Dak.

The album can be heard on the last.fm site. Even better though, you can buy a real life copy for £5 which includes special limited edition artwork and added gifts. Woo hoo. Contact us via the myspace or website if you are interested.

We are now up to 953 downloads for the Trolley Crash EP (WM recordings) and I thinks it's time for the special countdown to begin. Here's hoping we reach the 1000 before Christmas.

Vombat victory

2008-11-21T20:41:00.002Z

So did you hear us?

Sorry to everyone who tuned in at 5pm instead of 4. I was clearly referring to the European start time.

We had a great couple of hours though. For a second it was touch and go whether we'd manage to get on air at all, but Andy worked marvels finally getting us connected and after some last second sellotape skills we eventually secured a stereo connection! It was high pressure stuff. Sadly we had no time to set up the video cameras, but hopefully you'll be able to paint a picture yourselves.

Feel free to download the podcast via vombatradio.com and enjoy 80 odd minutes of Keshco madness. We've been asked to give a short interview about the band so expect a new post pretty soon.

Gig online: Keshco in London

2008-11-11T21:16:00.004Z

Keshco will be playing an online gig this Saturday (15th November) via the brill sounding Vombat Radio:

http://www.vombatradio.com/

Expect some unique renditions of all your favourite Keshco/Bleak House numbers. Hopefully there'll some video footage to follow on youtube too.

Will Andy giggle his way through Climate Dance again? Will Robert take Halloween to new club singing levels? Will Luke remember to capo Middle Room 3 this time? All these questions will be answered at 5pm Saturday. If you miss it on the day, fear not, for the recording will be in the online archive foreevverrrr.

New Keshco Video Online

2008-10-31T18:39:00.004Z

Hello hello!

After some epic editing Keshco's music video for 'Scraping and Bowing' has made it onto youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul34iIu19r4

Rumours that it was directed by John Landis have been strenuously denied...although never seriously discounted.

Enjoy.

Trolley Crash night review

2008-08-13T16:01:00.001+01:00

Keshco's first promotion night has been reviewed! Sadly they didn't stay to actually see us play as Keshco, but Bleak House received a few words. Read on:

Review of Trolley Crash - unusual music and movement - from NOW, Anat Ben-David, Rude Mechanicals, Keshco, Bleak House

"Electronic performance art and music."by Andy Becker for remotegoat on 11/08/08

Dry Bar is situated around the corner from Barbican tube station. As you walk down the stairs you enter a snug basement bar split into two sections. Upon arrival we're greeted with a selection of classic childhood confectioneries; Chewitts, drumstick lollys and Refreshers, certainly a good start to the evening.

I make my way through the bar where I'm confronted by three chaps making rather strange and ambient noises .. Bleak House. These experimental meanderings utilizing old synthesizers, guitars and keytars are (to me) quite bemusing at first. A guy resembling the love-child of Mark Bolan & Art Garfunkel sits crossed legged on the floor strumming chords through a digital effects processor set to a back drop of ever-changing but mundane photography. I spend a good fifteen minutes trying to figure out a possible dialogue then give up to get a drink. However just as I'm at the bar things take a turn for the better. A piece - which I can only presume is titled "Interesting Now" - consists of electronic organ accompanied by harmonica and percussion make for a strong instrumental track. Themes of travel and transport begin to emerge from the video backdrop accompanied by some rather funny improvised poetry about train journeys from the Keytar player who is now dressed up as a train ticket inspector. He stands and shouts at us (in a Yorkshire drawl) that he will take all of our money and bugger of to the Bahamas with it. Great.

Next up was the main attraction of the night, Performance Atist/Performer/Musician /Producer Anat Ben-David. Born in Jerusalem and based in London, Ben-David made a name for herself with her pioneering art-house electro band Chicks on Speed. Tonight she's promoting her first solo album "Virtual Leisure" released on the Chicks on Speed Label. Ben-Davids set begins with an electro cover of "Fools Gold" by the Stone Roses. This provides the background music to a collection of her video pieces. For her first number she launches into "Poor R Fat". Ben-David has a piercing stage presence (imagine Enya after a 3 year heroin binge in Berlin and you might be somewhere close). Operatic vocals, 8-bit synthesizers and bombastic electronic drum rolls rattle the audiences eardrums. These elements combine with striking synchronized video footage (see her myspace) to create an intense, futuristic and romantic atmosphere that could easily be an excerpt from the climax of a David Lynch film. Halfway through the set we're treated to a fully nude Ben-David projected onto the video back drop singing directly into the camera at the audience. This image is accompanied by the real life duplicate in a red silk robe. I'm interested by Ben-Davids expressions; she watches the audience lear as her naked image serenades them. All eyes in the room have naturally shifted to the nude footage on the screen and as Ben David scans the faces of the audience for signs of reaction, she's successfully managed to reverse the roles of performer and audience member.

Next were Rude Mechanicals, a prime example of when a group of extremely talented musicians get together and manage to play all the wrong notes together at the same time. A transvestite singer who resembles the dragged up corpse of Nancy from the play Oliver, a multi-talented Oboe player dressed in silver hot pants and an electric blue wig plus three ordinary blokes that look like they should be playing in a Dire Straits covers band. If Anat Ben-David was the siren at the end of a Lynch film then Rude Mechanicals resembled the Cantina band from Star Wars. The mixture of New Romantic Cabaret-Jazz (combined with my four bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale) was quickly sending me into slumber mode until I was rudely awakened by some of the highest operatic shrieking i've ever heard ... glass shatteringly high! Yes it was the blue haired, silver thonged oboe player! Technically impressive as it was these high frequencies gave me (and probably a few other members of the audience) a bit of a headache. This was my cue to leave.

Overall I had a very entertaining night at the Dry Bar. There were free sweets, great music, performance art and ... well not so great music. Unfortunately I missed the headline act and promoters Kescho (so sorry guys). However for their first night as promoters and performers I think they did a great job. And if they keep on booking acts with the same quality as Anat Ben-David then they're onto a winner in this comfy dingy nightspot.

Keshco EP - Trolley Crash

2008-08-04T17:05:00.002+01:00

Hello there,

Keshco have a new EP out. It's called 'Trolley Crash' and is now available as a free download on Weirdo Music Recordings.

Hurray!

Please visit:

http://www.wmrecordings.com/freedownloads.htm

Great stuff - I'm sure you'll agree.

We're also putting on our own night (with lots of brill bands) this Friday in London - check out the myspace for more details. Should be a good'un.

Eurovision 2008 - The Review

2008-05-25T22:30:00.009+01:00

Hello!

After a couple of years away, I am delighted to welcome back the annual Eurovision review. YAY!

Serbia won in 2007 and so hosted this year's extravaganza. I thought Terry initially billed it as a "Conference of Sound" and I excitedly prepared myself for several highly qualified guest speakers of Europopism, but sadly I had misheard and it actually turned out to be a "Confluence of Sound"...whatever that means. Still, there were plenty of highlights. Here is the rundown review:

1. Romania

Initial piano ballad stylings featuring a tall bloke in jeans and jacket combo and 3 slinky backing girls is transformed halfway through by a scary long ear-ringed lady who blatantly ruins the performance. Although he did look like a Thunderbird puppet, the bloke could at least sing in tune and actually turned on his operatic switch towards the end. Sadly the woman was woefully out of key and no amount of fist clenching could save the massacre. The performance did feature a head to head finish, but really this was a bit shit.

2. United Kingdom

"Are you ready?" shouted X-factor Andy. Well I certainly was and the tune quickly had some household toes a-tapping. Terry called it the "best [UK] entry for years", and in truth it was pretty good. Bonus points were given for the girl guitarist and happy bass player. The break it down moment featured Andy in a backing singer sandwich and he made good use of the walkway and crane shots. Sadly the chorus never really went anywhere, but still....last place? Give me a break.

3. Albania

This was called 'Hearts trapped in Time' and featured the first of many sexy lady singers. Following an acoustic start the song was cranked up to rocking pace. There were sultry looks aplenty from the lady singer, who, it turned out was wearing a matching cuffs, collar and cape ensemble. Nice. While she was being blown around by the gale force 8 wind machine the backing band looked like a bunch of bored waiters. Halfway through the camera focused on a girl guitarist looking particularly miffed. I think it was because the UK entry had bagged that particular motif already. That'll learn them. Sadly no catchy hooks for this song and so it got a resounding thumbs down.

4. Germany

Entitled 'Disappear' and performed by a group of girls called No Angels, this entry was absolutely appalling. The four singers were made up of two brunettes, a red-haired Leo Sayer looky-likey and a blonde tart who spent most of the song desperately trying to pull down her tiny dress while singing horrendously out of tune. I especially liked the moment she rubbed a scarf across her face in an attempt to look sultry, but which actually made her look more like an extra in an advert for Lenor. Mmmm...so soft and fresh smelling. Fireworks definitely couldn't save this dross. The lyrics seemed to include the immortal line, "we got nowhere and it won't stop there"...which makes no sense. Terry said, "game effort" and that was being unbelievably generous.

5. Armenia

This was pretty good! A chanty start from the tassel-coated sexy female singer developed into a Europop classic with Eastern hooks and plenty of big hair hip tick-tocking. Throughout the song the well voiced lady was surrounded by 3 bloke dancers who produced some stellar floor work including knee slides and a human pyramid (a thankless task in any book). The catchy "Qele Qele" chorus was a sure-fire winner. Not that they won.

6. Bosnia & Herzegovina

Now I had seen this in the semi-final on Tuesday (beyond the call of duty I know, but there was nought else on TV) and therefore knew what to expect from this performance, i.e. a mad Helena Bonham-Carter looky-likey running around the stage with her psychotic brother while being watched by 4 pensioners in wedding dresses. As it turns out, however, this did have a catchy tune and was pretty fun to watch. There was some particularly expert crane shot work at the jumping "whooo" moment, and apart from the overwhelming sense of "look at us, we're crazy we are", this was quirky enough to prevent any boos from the live audience.

7. Israel

This big ballad was called 'The fire in your eyes' and primarily featured Israel's muscle bound pop-idol winner with his silver waistcoat and imploring eyebrows. I think Mel said he sounded like a girl on semi-final day. Anyhow, I particularly liked his 5 black shirted backing singers and their red-arrows-esque stage movements. Flight squadron position one...backs to the singer....position two, all bounce up and down for the final chorus (keep in time there Red leader)....position three, surround singer in a triangular pattern and nod encouragingly. The singer almost lost it in the last chorus, but thankfully held on for the final note. Phew.

8. Finland

"Hoo-Hah, Hoo-Hah....aaarrrrrggggghhhhhh." That's how this song began and how it will forever be remembered. Spinal tap rawk of epic proportions, this was atrocious. Bare chested, leather clad band; two drummers with spiky weapons banging away for all their worth; fire and smoke machines spewing out noxious gasses and the best ever one-handed guitar playing by a lead singer this side of the last Van Halen tribute act. Unfortunately they forgot to write any sort of tune and while the blond haired lovely playing lead guitar gave it some whelly with the last Hoo-Hah at the end, this was absolute genius/crap - you decide

9. Croatia

Another strange one this. Think Buena Vista Social Club if they all went slightly demented and from now on decided to play some form of Eurovision-fusion. Essentially a cabaret band with some major eccentricities, the group featured one bloke dressed in black who sang the majority of the verses while the one in white decided to have a good rant about halfway through. During this mayhem a slinky red-dressed lovely twirled around the stage potentially inducing several heart failures before inexplicably playing a bottle xylophone and pretending to be a doll. The final moment of madness saw the white suited old guy attempt some scratching on his gramophone. Sorted.

10. Poland

Big romantic ballad which Andy X-factor had declared as his favourite on semi-final Tuesday because it sounded like Celine Dion. Dear god, no wonder we finished last. The main participant was a very strange looking blond lady in an ill-fitting turquoise dress. She was joined by a sleepy string section and an old piano player who had been forced to wear a shiny white suit. Poor man. The singer did have a pretty big voice and certainly went for it during in the choruses. My favourite moment was when she slowly made her way down the walkway and happened to find a transparent microphone stand. What a coincidence. Cue large hand movements, a vocal vamp around the last note and a touching moment at the end when she thanked the Serbian people.

11. Iceland

Declared "dynamic" by Terry this was classic Europop. A cheeky blond haired lad (future part as Hollyoaks exchange student guaranteed) in pink sequins sings his heart out and is treated to a 360 degree spinning close-up. Initially there were only 4 backing singers standing around so I focused on the lyrics. The main line was, "I open my eyes and finally realise/this is my life." Fair enough, but my personal favourite was the rhyming of "years" with "tears" and then "fears." Nice work. Unfortunately, some lady with dodgy vocals appeared from nowhere halfway through and it all went a little too holiday camp for my liking.

12. Turkey

Essentially a guitar band fronted by another out of work Thunderbird puppet, this was a pretty forgettable rocker. He did have very black hair though. Plus, they were definitely a proper band as I clearly saw one of their amps at the back of stage. Shame there were no leads coming out of it. That said, I particularly enjoyed the moustachioed bass player who would randomly punch the air despite being completely out of time with the music. That's the spirit.

13. Portugal

This was called 'The Lady of the Sea' and although the large lead singer with Pat Butcher earrings could conceivably double as a German U-boat, I failed to discern any particular aquatic theme to the music. In fact it was all a little folky. Accompanying said singer were 5 white clothed dancers. I especially liked the Simon Anstell-haired one on the end who successfully kept a straight face throughout. There was lots of wandering around, occasional hand gestures, then some more walking. The wind machine struggled to shift any performers and it all got a bit too shouty at the end. Must try harder.

14. Latvia

This was much...ermm...better? It certainly introduced a whole new genre - Sea Shanty Europop! YAY! Rather oddly, the band were called, 'The Pirates of the Sea' while the song was titled, 'Wolves of the Sea'. C'mon people. Anyway, 6 pirates (3 jolly men, 3 busty women) had a great time running around singing, "Hi Hi Ho, Hi Hey Hey." In fact, this song probably contained my favourite lyric in the whole contest with, "We are robbing you blind/I hope you don't mind." Certainly not...rob away old chum. A punch the air dance routine got the crowd going, flags came out at the key change and although they all started to run out of steam towards the end they still finished with guns in the air style. For some reason there were some boos from the audience. I can only think this was because the performers didn't really use the steering wheel on stage and therefore were being critiqued for their poor sailing skills. What tosh. This was genius.

15. Sweden

Who told me that this song was a favourite to win? I don't know, but sadly it turned out to be a frankly dodgy Europop track. A skinny lady with strange feline features and who was certainly a little bit too old to be wearing such a small dress sang for her life, but was let down by a non-existent melody. I did like the two female backing singers who power-walked down the steps and took part in the first clenching dance routine, but sadly they and the key change couldn't prevent the general air of disappointment that lingered once the last synthesised beat had faded away.

16. Denmark

The song was called "All Night Long", but Lionel Richie was nowhere to be seen. Instead we had a bouncy front-man dressed like an extra from Oliver Twist, giving his best "come hither" hand motions and singing a kind of David Essex pop ditty. Very odd. The drummer seemed to have two kick drums, one perched precariously on the side of his kit (thank god they didn't have the wind machine on...). There was some extended walkway use during the break it down middle eight and while the lyrics were a little strange ("all I know is that today tomorrow will be gone"), there wasn't a great deal to cling to with this track.

17. Georgia

Terry did this no favours by introducing it as "slightly depressing" and he wasn't far off the mark. Although they didn't say it, I think the leading lady with large dark glasses must have been blind as she didn't move a step during the song. Instead she had several dodgy dancers circling her at all times. These included two blokes with big hair who were actually really rubbish - less then stellar floor work by them. Halfway through a big white sheet was draped over everyone and when it was removed everyone's costume had transformed from black to white. Sssshhhh...it's magic. The song was called, 'Peace will come' and thankfully it arrived after about 3 minutes.

18. Ukraine

Ahh, "Shady Lady." With such a great name I had high hopes for this song. Thankfully it didn't disappoint with the Ukrainians pulling out all the stops in this Europoptacular performance. It definitely featured the skimpiest costume in the entire contest and the busty singer frequently encouraged her dancing band of men with some top quality hip gyrating skills. The lyrics revolved almost entirely around "burning hearts" and setting people on fire and we quickly got a picture of where this was heading. Plenty of use was made of the big stage set they had wheeled on and when the lady suddenly appeared draped on top the crowd went mad. Pretty good.

19. France

What was this? I'm still not totally sure, but it had a nice poppy tune and interesting front man. It started with a troop of female backing singers wearing fake beards and glasses. To no-one's surprise on came the singer wearing a real beard and glasses. That he drove in on a golf buggy carrying an inflatable globe was a little odd mind. He then proceeded to wander around the stage missing all the camera cues (the show's director must have been going spare) and singing about trying to find the milky-way. There was a nice break it down gospel style moment and just like that it ended. I liked.

20. Azerbaijan

Quite a performance for their first ever Eurovision entry. Two shouty singers, one dressed as an angel, one as some leather bondage king; one with the highest voice ever, the other with a less high voice (his attempt to replicate his partner in crime at the end was shocking); one with a team of angel ladies, the other with two naughty companions certainly gave us an interesting show. There was plenty of, "I will win", "no, I will win" theatrics and when the evil singer poured some wine over one of his maidens things took a turn for the worse. Eventually the evil one decided to turn good, cue the aforementioned attempt at a high note. Worrying.

21. Greece

Competing with Ukraine for the title of raunchiest performance of the evening, this spectacular slice of Europop revolved around a lovely lady wearing a pink dress and 3 be-suited blokes with some tiggerish dance moves. Bounce, bounce, bounce, spinny-spins-spins etc. The instrumental break witnessed the most aggressive hip and bust-thrusting action ever seen at a Eurovision song context before a pop-up stage set appeared and a hidden costume change took place. She rhymed "combination" with "destination" and "imagination", but my favourite moment was when the leading lady stopped singing and out of nowhere came some deep voice saying "laaadddyyyyyy". It turns out there were four backing vocalists relegated to the shadows at the side of the stage...bless. "Top ten" predicts Terry at the end. Few would disagree.

22. Spanish

The crescendo of boos that rang out at the end this performance was so loud you had to feel a little bad for the performers....what am I saying? This was atrocious, they deserved everything they got. A dirty old man holding a toy guitar and wearing a fake Elvis wig mingles with 5 pant-showing girls while rambling on about something or other. In fact the chorus seemed to describe a series of dance moves which the girls subsequently acted out. My favourite was "Quatro...el Roboto", cue plenty of oooh, look I'm robot, see my jerky movements....bleep, bleep action. Eurovision at its best, this had no chance.

23. Serbia

The home town performance was an atmospheric affair that generated a good amount of applause. Sung by a long haired lovely, the song was a yearning ballad that started with a mandolin solo and also featured plenty of violin and flute. Although I liked the "noo nah ney" choruses there wasn't really much stage movement. In fact, once the backing dancers had woken up off the floor all they seemed to do was stand around looking stunned while holding hands. Very odd. There was a nice high note finish and all in all this was a pretty good affair.

24. Russia

No-one could question the passion in this performance. Wide-eyed young bloke in white shirt (I could swear he was in the Russian boyband 'Prime Minister' from Eurovision 2002) rolls around the floor a bit before launching into a big beat ballad. You could see he was really feeling the emotion of the song and with lyrics like "there's nooo limit to what I can dream" and "I believe in meeee" who could blame him? Accompanying the singer throughout was an equally excited violinist and halfway through both were joined by a Tim Brooke-Taylor looky-likey ice-skater. Now there's a gimmick. On their tiny ice-rink this unlikely trio whipped up a storm of epic proportions with some excellent looks to the camera and a multitude of spinny moves. When the white shirt was ripped open for the high note towards the end, I think we all knew this was a contender. In the end it proved to be so. Winner 2008.

25. Norway

This was my pre-final favourite and by finishing a well-deserved 5th I think many Eurovision viewers felt the same way. Starting out with a flourish of piano the song was a 60s esque pop number with plenty of nice guitar lines and horn licks. "Why won't anyone try me?" sang the leading lady in her slinky blue dress before punching out the catchy chorus with her trio of blonde haired backing lovelies. My favourite part of the act came with the "true, true, true" hand movements. It looked like they were high-fiving the invisible man. Superb.

There we have it. Eurovision 2008. Russia wins. UK finishes last. See you next year.

Long overdue Keshco update

2008-03-28T15:49:00.002Z

Keshco had a busy time last month with plenty o'gigs and things:

Check out our youtube entries for some video highlights.

Also we happily appeared in session on Dexter Bentley's 'Hello Goodbye Show' on Resonance FM:

The link is: http://www.dexterbentley.com/hellogoodbye.htm

Scroll down to the 16th February show and click on listen.

We're on air at around:
9 minutes - Climate Dance
43 minutes - Think Alike
1 hour 5 minutes - I am broken, I am Alba (followed by short interview)

Delight at Andy's giggles, Robert's "bum bum bums" and my dodgy guitaring!

Updater

2007-10-01T20:47:00.000+01:00

The last 3 October gigs went well - if a little attendance-lite. We premiered new live versions of 'Task', 'Spoons', 'Doogies' and 'More life, less ordinary'...next time we might even attempt the latter's 7 minute coda entitled 'How High.' Here's hoping!

Amazingly at the Tunnel Vision gig last Thursday we even sold 6 or 7 Cd's making a barnstorming profit of £13.50. I think we might have made the album charts.

Next gig is booked far into the future of October at Sound in Leicester Square...sadly it's only a 20 or so minute slot. We might arrange more in the meantime. Keep checking out the myspace.

Back at the pleasure unit...

2007-09-09T13:17:00.000+01:00

Keshco got themselves a short notice gig at Bethanl Green's 'pleasure unit' last night. Another fine performance took place, the highlights of the set were storming renditions of Halloween and Anna. Hopefully the video clips will find their way onto youtube sometime in the near future.

Next gig is Friday night at 333Motherbar...it's in London somewhere.

Keshco - live review link & more

2007-08-27T21:14:00.000+01:00

It turns out that there was a journo in attendance at the latest Keshco gig (15th August - Pleasure Unit, Bethnal Green) who liked the show and subsequently wrote a nice review for the Internet music magazine 'sugarbuzz'. Read it yourself via this link:

http://www.sugarbuzzmagazine.com/bands/keshco/keshco.html

It also turns out that our last single 'Task' was recently voted as "song of the day" on Emma Kennedy's myspace page. She's been on TV and everything!

http://www.myspace.com/kennedyemma

Exciting news, I'm sure you'll agree.

The next shows that are coming up:

14 September - 333Motherbar
27 September - Tunnel vision Thursday (performing as Bleak House)
26 October - Sound

There may be more in between so best check out the Keshco myspace page to stay up to date.

Countdown to Eurovision

2007-05-10T11:37:00.000+01:00

Soooo, it's the silly semi-finals for Eurovision tonight. In protest to this ridiculousness I will naturally restrict myself to watching the main final on Saturday, still having visited the BBC page I have already picked out a couple of faves.

I'm liking Lithuania's 'Love or Leave me' by 4FUN for their loungey melancholy.

Romania's polka tastic 'Liubi, Liubi, I Love You' (Todomondo) is good, as is Belgium's 'Love Power' by the KMG'S.

Switzerland's 'Vampires are alive' by DJBobo is desperate to cash in on last year's schlock horror theme.

Apparently the big band sound of Germany's 'Frauen Regier'n Die Welt' is favourite to win. It's by a guy called Roger Cicero, who alas isn't Germany's answer to Peter Cetera. Darn.

Perhaps my favourite is Israel's 'Push the Button' by the frankly disturbingly named Teapacks. With a lyric like:

"I don't want to die/ I want to see the flowers bloom/ Don't want to go kaboom, kaboom"

you can hardly blame me...

A full review of Saturday's contest may follow (haven't finished last years yet) so stay tuned.

Task - I'll just see how that came out...

2007-03-12T17:48:00.000Z

I'm delighted to announce that the latest musical masterpiece to emerge from the bleakhouse/keshco camp is now available to hear online at:

www.myspace.com/thebleakhouse

Titled 'Task', the basic track was created 2 years ago in Exmouth and was only resurrected last weekend in London. With a speed hitherto unknown, the final version was finished off in one afternoon. I hope you will all enjoy the results.

Maybe you just had to be there?

2006-12-22T22:38:00.000Z

I love films that have unintentionally funny moments. The kind of scenes that the director/script writer must have slaved over getting right, only for cinema audiences to greet with a torrent of guffaws and giggles. The recent James Bond movie (Casino Royale) had a couple of classics.

1. Buxom woman riding horse along beach/ She is chased by excited children; "Yayyy, woman on horse" they scream/ She rides quicker and looks back...

Cue lingering close-up on one child grinning like a bit of a psycho.

2. Mr Bond is convalescing in a wicker chair/ Slinky Brunette sits at his side signing his cast/ Mr Bond says he's thinking of jacking in this spy lark...

Cue impassioned speech by Slinky Brunette along the lines of, "but James you mad, mad fool, you're the most ravishing man this side of Mount Etna."

Anywho, here's my top 5 unintentionally funny film moments:

5. City of Angels: Amen the precious fruit.
"No, I don't want to be an angel anymore, it's rubbish" says Nicholas Cage. "Alright then", says Meg Ryan, "ooooh wait, you must taste this" and off she pops to the shop. "I'll get him this marmite, these pickled eggs, and mmmm this lovely smelling fruit." La, la, la, she sings as she rides her bike home. Look out for the truck. Oh no...what happened? Into the shot roles a single, beautifully formed Pear. Sob.

4. Showgirls: All about the dance, baby.
So many moments it has to be intentional, but I just can't help thinking that they tried a little too hard for it to be that tongue-in-cheek. I love the aggressive burger eating (oooh I'm so hungry, I'm like a wild animal) and the scene where a dancer has been crocked and rolls around the floor groaning while a choreographer grabs her throbbing knee and squeezes. "It's her knee," he concludes.

3. Constantine, Point Break, Johnny Mnemonic, Devil's Advocate, Dracula: Keanu Reeves' dramatic career.
Oh Keanu, when will you learn that speaking with emotion doesn't mean you just speak a little bit louder.

2. Dawson's Creek (TV show I know, but it's just too bad): Banging mate.
"Hey guys, let's all go to a rave! It'll be great, we'll drink half a lager, smoke two marlborough lights and definitely not drivel on about our endlessly boring emotional problems in some ridiculously intellectual way. Stop shouting, I can hear you perfectly...Yeah, this music is great...I love it....it's hardcore man, out there. I know, it's like the same track has been playing for 4 hours. That's rave music, yeah. Oh, I think it's by some British band....yeah, totally out there, urmm, the Chemical Brothers?"

1. Face/Off: The Palm Stroker.
God bless John Woo. I imagine him thinking to himself, "this film...it's great. The explosions are huge, the noise is loud and the plot is insane. But something is missing, we need more emotion...we need to give the characters that human angle. Now if only I could get John to perform some sort of gesture....yes, a visual catchphrase that will show how lovely his character Sean Archer is. He is lovely after all...just look at how much he adores his son. Plus, he must also really really love Castor Troy's son. Why else would he randomly adopt him in that weird..."hey honey, I'm home and have brought a new son" ending. Perhaps I could get him to ruffle the kid's hair...no, too cheesy. I know, I'LL GET HIM TO STROKE THE CHILD'S FACE WITH HIS ENTIRE HAND in an entirely normal, non-freaky way. Job done."

Keshco in London town gig-playing shocker

2006-12-06T12:01:00.000Z

Soooo...

two or so years after my last live performance I was happy to join Keshco in their Dublin Castle, Camden gig last Saturday.

Late soundchecks reduced our set to 30 minutes or so, the mini-disk backing track buggered on our last song (which is a shame since it got a big round of applause during the soundcheck), there was no place to put our projections and I was so nervous I completely forgot what I was meant to play on the first song. Apart from that it went pretty well!

Hopefully we'll have some more performances lined up for January. Feel free to check out the myspace pages for Bleak House & Keshco for sound samples info etc.

Other news:

I've lost all interest in Strictly Come Dancing.
My Eurovision review is still to be typed.
The idea of the Savoury Doughnut is occupying more and more of my brain time.

Ouch that hurts.

2006-03-15T17:45:00.000Z

When it comes to watching football it's pretty clear that we all quite like the odd horrific injury. Not to the extent that the player dies or anything, but the odd leg/ankle/knee cap break holds a guilty fascination. A couple of months ago, for example, Alan Smith did his ankle and leg in against Liverpool which in turn gave all the papers the excuse to show us that classic David Busst leg breakage photo from the 90s. Bone through the sock-tastic. As such, it got me thinking about great broken bone moments in film history. I've had a go at compiling my top five.

5. The Fly - Jeff Goldblum in arm-wrestling wrist snapping glory.
4. Wolf Creek - Deranged Aussie outback killer and his gruesome head on a stick spinal attack. Complete with excellent crunchy sound effect.
3. Marathon Man - Do teeth count? Not sure, but it's all in the build up for this particular entry.
2. Escape to Victory - Need to hobble one of your own? All you need is a leg, a bed, and some bend it the wrong way momentum.
1. Misery - No more dancing for you James Caan. Not with those ankles anywho.

So that's the broken bone list...what next? Broken hearts. Ahhhh

Hairy Heroes

2006-03-03T15:21:00.000Z

So the other day I saw a trailer for George Clooney's new film, Syriana, in which Mr C plays a former CIA agent trapped in some missile hunting, oil spewing political thriller and it got me to thinking.....beards. Now I'm a big beard fan, I mean, I don't exclusively favour BIG beards (small Frenchy beards are fine by me), but beards generally get two thumbs up and in Syriana Clooney sports some fine chin growth. What was triggered in my mind, however, is how few hairy heroes there have been in film history. Now don't get ahead of yourselves. By hairy I really mean beardy. As we know the be-stubbled hero is rather commonplace (see Bruce Willis in Die Hard, Harrison Ford as Indy and Clint Eastwood in pretty much everything he's EVER DONE). Interestingly enough even the moustache, historically a principle characteristic of all seductively stroking evildoers has more than occasionally found it's way onto the faces of the hero (see Bert Reynolds as the bandit, Eddie Murphy as Axel Foley and erm..Charles Bronson in Death Wish etc.)

The beard, of course, gives greater facial coverage and by doing so may inadvertently damage its heroic potential. After all, if a character is prone to conceal half his face with hair, what other secrets might he be hiding? Alternatively, there is an argument that the beard may prove too distracting in the obligatory love scene, but this seems ridiculous. Would a leading lady rather kiss a stubbly so and so or a bearded warrior....rah?!

In documenting a list of bearded wonders one must first acknowledge the beard clause. This states that certain heroes, from certain eras, with certain beards are immediately discounted. Take the Lord of the Rings trilogy or the entire Western genre. Since practically everyone in those films, whether hero or villain sports a beard or facial hair of some description they are immediately banned from entering. Moreover, we can't accept any heroes who have had to grow a beard simply because they had no means of preventing it (see Tom Hanks in Castaway etc.). A heroic beard has to be a purposely-built beard. One more thing...no bloody Father Christmas.

So here it is, a first attempt at chronicling my top five bearded heroes.

5. Officer Frank Serpico (Al Pacino): starts with no beard, goes under cover, grows beard, takes no bribes, gets shot in the beard.
4. Col. James Braddock (Chuck Norris) in Missing in Action: the bearded avenger. Purveyor of hairy kung fu.
3. Dr. Henry Jones (Sean Connery) in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: It's the beard that hides the accent. Hmmm. See also, John Mason in The Rock.
2. Michael Vronsky (Robert De Niro) in The Dear Hunter. Bearded russian roulette.
1. Steve Zissou (Bill Murray) in The Life Aquatic: Waterproof grey beard - the ultimate hero mit hair.

Honourable mentions go to - Dr. Richard Kimble (Harrison Ford) in The Fugitive who starts with a beard, but shamefully has to shave it off in order to become more heroic and Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guiness/Ewan McGregor) in Star Wars. He should really be in the list but stood too close to the wookie.

Shock horror

2005-10-28T15:22:00.000+01:00

Well, what did you expect? I was too busy at the beach...

Pledge of appeasement

2005-07-20T21:04:00.000+01:00

Yes, I do solemnly swear to maintain this blog to the best of my abilities
No, I will not quit after two weeks
Yes, I must change my album, film, lyric of the week more than once every year
No, I definately will not quit after two weeks
Yes, I'll attempt to keep people up to date with my USA/Cambridge adventures
No, I promise I will not quit after two weeks

Coming soon;
The Roughest Guide to Malmo
Comrade Karloff - How to write a proper song before you reach 30 years of age
Jonny Cocktail (Lifestyle guru) - THE INTERVIEW

Eurovision 2005 - The Review

2005-05-25T17:32:00.000+01:00

Eurovision 2005 - Ukraine

1. Hungary - Forogj világ
Up-tempo plinky plonky song with a sexy lady temptress and plenty of bald black suited backing dancers. Terry called it Hungarian Riverdance, but with their heal-toe, dosey-doe routine it reminded me of my primary school country dancing competition. Despite the fast beat and "Na-Na" sing-a-long-a-chorus the lyrics - "I won't wait for us" and "I want to be somewhere else for a long time" were quite depressing. Nevertheless, a nice start.

2. United Kingdom - Touch My Fire
Rumours of Javine's pre-tournament sore throat were all over the TV before the competition (ahh, bless) but thankfully she sang it alright. Shame it was such a rubbish song. "Crazy rhythm" my arse. Her group consisted of two dancing blokes who were wearing those flame patterned shirts Next always seems to stock and 3 colour co-ordinated female backing singers who slithered around the stage. It was all a little too Beyonce and Javine ended with a rather awkward face stroking hand movement that resembled the end of 'Face-Off' a little too much for my liking. Not great.

3. Malta - Angel
Is that a giant raspberry singing? No, it's Malta's spangly answer to Celine Dion. Pipes and piano dominated this big ballad with soaring chorus and mandatory key change. Fair dues though, the lady had a very good voice and grabbed the microphone off the stand for a big "Meeeeeeeeeeee" towards the end. "I'll be the sunshine when you're feeling blue" she sang. Finished second...deservedly so.

4. Romania - Let Me Try
Pipes and jungle drums (this year's instruments of choice) kicked-off Romania's Europop entry. The singer was a scary haired lady with a dodgy voice and a backing group made up of blokes busy hitting empty oil tanks. The fact that everyone seemed to be wearing spangly yellow and green costumes, coupled with the rather confusing line "I can feel your heart with breaks" suggested to me that they were all Norwich City fans upset about being relegated from the Premiership. Halfway through strange things happened. The lead lady ineptly joined in with the drumming and some musical power tools came out. Terry called it "pretty unremarkable", I called it "pretty shit."

5. Norway - In My Dreams
This was pure Spinal Tap rawk! A proper band with lots of spandex and make-up and a catchy tune. The guitarist was dressed like a pilot (or was it a traffic warden) and gave good guitar solo while the lead singer waved a big orange flag to win over the locals. There were some high vocal moments and lots of "c'mon, c'mons." I thought it was pretty good.

6. Turkey - Rim rimi ley
Colourful mid-tempo pop with the obligatory Turkish sounds. It started off quite good with a giant bloke dressed like a Morris dancer leaping about the place. Unfortunately he was soon joined by a female singer whose voice really wasn't up to it. It sounded awfully messy and I'm sure she forgot some of the words. Inexcusable considering all she seemed to say was "rim, rimi, ley". Equally appalling were her attempts to join in with the drummers while the giant morris dancer did some stage gymnastics. Very bad.

7. Moldova - Boonika Bate Toba
A qualifier from the semi-finals, this strange pop-punk tune made quite an impression. Not least because of the crazy band (think Moldovan Red Hot Chilli Peppers) and their drumming grandma. Initially oblivious to the jumpy antics of her band members, grandma gently rocked in her chair. Towards the end of the song, however, she took centre stage and shyly spun around hitting her drum. Included some bizarre lyrics about the Beatles, Peter Pan and rotting meat. At the end the lead singer shouted, "let's make love" and we all smiled...apart from Terry.

8. Albania - Neser shkoj
This was a bit forgettable really. There were little electronic glitches and some heavy guitars but again the Turkish/Eastern sound was most prominent. There was a blonde lady singer, an energetic drummer man and some unimaginative "didi-da" lyrics. The most amusing element of the performance were the backing dancers who spent the whole song pretending to play the violin. They were holding the bow 2 feet away from the strings....c'mon, make an effort! There was a big "ooohhhh yeeaahhhh" moment, but it could've done with a couple of Eurovision key changes.

9. Cyprus - Ela ela
This was really, really bad. The song itself was Europop with the now familiar Turkish melody and big drums (they even had an oil drum solo like Romania) but what scuppered it was the performance by the lanky lead singer. Looking suspiciously like Darius, he was kitted out in spangly fingerless gloves and pin-striped trousers and came across as a little bit smarmy. Occasionally joined by a slinky dressed lady, he attempted to get the audience to participate but when no-one bothered he danced with a cane and sang "I'm the King of the Night." We couldn't help but agree.

10. Spain - Brujería
Bad Europop with no melody. The group consisted of 3 backing blokeys and 3 lady singers who sang the same lines and had exactly the same hand movements. Initially it looked like Zorro was hanging around clicking his fingers in the background, but it turned out to be a bloke with a deep gravely voice wearing enormous sunglasses. He joined in singing halfway through while the ladies were tossing their skirts around. At one point the camera focused in on one of the lead singers...her eyes were enormous and she looked scared to death. Maybe she thought it was Zorro as well.

11. Israel - Hasheket Shenish'ar
This was a qualifier which Terry pronounced as the best Israeli entry for ages. Couldn't agree more really. A mid-tempo ballad, the song began with only a piano and guitar accompanying the long-dressed lead singer lady but during the bridge the drums kicked in and remained throughout. There was a big chorus and I feared she'd go a little bit Mariah with her vocals, but she soundly kept it simple and got good cheers from the fans when the song finished.

12. Serbia & Mont. - Zauvijek Moja
This was an excellent entry, certainly the best song of the night up to this point. Essentially boy-bandish Europop, it had a great melody and hands-in-the-air dance. While the entire group looked like they'd just had their daily sugar fix, the drummer boy-band member was, as Terry remarked, particularly "over excited." As he twiddled his drum sticks, two of the other cheeky blokeys took centre stage where they tricked everyone with a false ending before a third member joined in the singing for the big finish. Nice.

13. Denmark - Tænder på dig
Sung by a Patrick Kielty lookey-likey and 4 aging backing singers this was a very cheesy ballad. In fact it reminded me of Take That. Perhaps the most interesting part of the group's performance was the constant bouncing. They couldn't stop it...all the time with the bouncing. Bounce, Bounce, Bounce. I think it was the orange shoes they were all wearing. Harmless but boring.

14. Sweden - Las Vegas
Cheesy winks, smouldering eyes and the odd sticky out tongue certainly enhanced this classic Europop entry which, quite appropriately, sounded like a television jingle for Las Vegas. "You'll be a star if you do it right," sang the sexy lead bloke and his attractive white tracksuited lady friends while they romped around the stage. Halfway through someone threw him a flashing microphone stand and while the ladies jumped on podiums he gyrated to the showtunish sounds. Upbeat.

15. FYR Macedonia - Ti si son
Was it just me, or was this year's Eurovision gimmick the attempts of every lead singer to show off his or her drumming skills? They were at it again during this shoddy Europop song. The group consisted of a tall pink-jacketed lead bloke and three female backing members. The girls pushed and pulled him. His voice cracked. He went for it on the drums. One girl did the splits. Someone performed a bagpipe solo. Phew! The best part of the performance was undoubtedly the hilarious swirl-your-finger-in-air dance routine. I don't think they were just checking which way the wind was blowing either.

16. Ukraine - Razom nas bahato
The political anthem that originated during Ukraine's dodgy election dilemma, this song/chant had some added significance for the local audience members. The performance itself was quite passionate. Actually everyone looked a little scary. There was the scary Owen Wilson lookey-likey on green guitar, the scary looking dancers in hoodies and handcuffs and the scary shaven headed lead singer who bounded across the stage. My favourite moment was when the lead blokey started rapping and rather than deciphering the lyrics teletext came up with the invaluable description, "he raps in Ukraine." Not too bad.

17. Germany - Run & Hide
"Bit of a rock chick" explained Terry as a black-leather clad lead singer took to the stage to sing this arena pop. She and her bandmates certainly went for it with plenty of head banging in the chorus and punching of the air. Unfortunately, after rubbing seductively up to her guitarist, the leading lady seemed to strain her vocals and ended up with a mouth full of hair. Not the worst song or performance of the evening, but certainly not memorable enough.

18. Croatia - Vukovi umiru sami
Although a little dodgy, this folksy Eurovision song provided a much needed breather from all the pop. It began with some pipes and female chanting before a sincere suit wearing fella told us "to forget everything." Unfortunately the chorus wasn't up to much, but the country girl backing singers swayed in unison and we were treated to a grand key change. Somewhat predictably, there was another excited drummer man who, when egged on by the lead singer, treated us to "extreme" tambourine playing...he went right up the arm!

19. Greece - My Number One
Declared the pre-tournament favourite this song actually ended up winning the contest. I have no idea why. Admittedly it did contain the choice lyrics, "you're my lover undercover," but there wasn't really anything else to recommend this average Turkish sounding pop song. The lead singer was a smouldering red haired lady in a short dress who had surrounded herself with a gang of ugly looking bare-chested blokeys all wearing matching sweatbands. The gimmick lay with a strange human pyramid-type-violin thing...it's all very difficult to explain.

20. Russia - Nobody hurt no-one
Another rock chick, another melody-less dirge. After walking onstage the leading lady tried to give it some, only to find that the wind machine had been turned up to 11 and her hair was all over the place. I think it might have affected her vocals which were quite weak and frail. Towards the end she got in a strop, threw down her microphone stand and rhymed "pain" with "refrain" and "boys are insane." Oh, the angst.

21. Bosnia & Herz. - Zovi
This was the Abba tribute group from hell. Three desperate housewives dressed in slinky pink dresses grinding around the stage while uncontrollably flicking their hair. The Europopish song was actually quite catchy with the odd blast of synthesized horns exciting one and all. Then, during the middle 8, the backing singers who had been perched on a podium at the start ran on stage to join in with the handclapping shenanigans. All in all, it was pretty good.

22. Switzerland - Cool Vibes
Terry had a "sneaky suspicion" about this rocker. Alas, it didn't win. I think it was because they'd clearly pinched the song from a Rialto album (must be what they're doing since breaking up). The main culprits were two guitar wielding ladies and their compatriot stuck behind a synth. They were actually billed as a girl band...but what were those two blokes stuck in the background doing? Included one of the more memorable lines in the whole contest with, "stay close to me, infinity."

23. Latvia - The War is Not Over
My personal pre-tournament favourite, this was a gentle acoustic guitar driven ballad sung by two blokeys in white suits. Sat on stools at the beginning of the performance there was a slightly scary moment when their heads followed a swooping camera to almost Exorcist proportions. Thankfully, they looked away just in time. Halfway through, the drums kicked in, the boys ditched their guitars and took to the front of the stage where they completed the song. They even managed to provide sign language for all the lyrics. I love Latvia.

24. France - Chacun pense à soi
Despite finishing very low down in the voting I thought this was rather good...I now know why. Forget the yellow dressed lead singer and her muscular dancers. Forget the big haired backing singers, who had to sit down for a rest halfway through. Forget the scratching and electronic glitchy noises. This sounded exactly like the cult favourite S.A.G.A.P.O (Greece entry circa 2002)....I'm telling you, the verses sounded just the same. Ah well.

So there we have it. Another exciting Eurovision song contest. For five minutes I even thought there was going to be a worthy winner....

"Yeah, you've had your time..."

2004-11-16T11:05:00.000Z

Sad news people - Gene have called it a day. Olympian was the first cd album I ever bought back in 1996 and over the years I've acquired pretty much all they've released....so it's with a stifled tear I bring you my all-time top ten Gene tracks.

1. For the Dead
- Their first single is still my favourite, especially the original 4 track version. T'was one of the first guitar riffs I learnt to play.

2. Save me I'm yours
- Sleepy and sad with twirly-wirly guitars. Martin doesn't say much, but what he does is beautiful.

3. Olympian
- The first Gene song I ever heard and the reason I took an interest. I remember jumping higher and higher at the gigs.

4. You'll never walk again
- Perfect ending to any mix-tape.

5. Haunted by you
- My favourite Gene video with Steve Mason in full guitar hero action and Martin with floppy fringe.

6. Does he have a name?
- The album artwork was now white instead of black and this opening track featured strings and atmospheric guitar glitches. Whatever they did though, it still worked.

7. Be my light, be my guide
- Back to the raw sounding Gene of their early years. Choppy guitars and big vocals.

8. Stop
- Billed as their "political" album in the music press, Revelations actually contained some great love songs. Stop was one of their most direct...and one of their best.

9. A Car that sped
- You've gotta love the handclapping chorus - great Radio 1 live session track too.

10. Fighting Fit
- Their most mainstream single and one of their biggest hits. I think it's the potential for air drumming that does it!

Haiku-a-go-go

2004-11-08T20:05:00.000Z

Suffer stilted blog
No new entry, not today
My mind in a fog

Don't blame it on the rum...

2004-08-03T19:01:00.000+01:00

Hello, back again...sorry for the lack of postings - been here, there and everywhere. Nevertheless, I have had time to make a drinking mixcd for my good friend Ian. Here is the tracklisting:

1. Eric Clapton - Motherless Children
2. Gene - Fill Her Up
3. The Jam - The Place I Love
4. Dexy's Midnight Runners - Jackie Wilson said (I'm in heaven when you smile)
5. Bob Dylan - Things Have Changed
6. The La's - Feelin'
7. Muse - Blackout
8. Morrissey - You're the One for Me, Fatty
9. John Mayer - 3 x 5
10. Idlewild - Let Me Sleep (Next to the Mirror)
11. Paul Simon - Peace Like a River
12. Shack - Oscar
13. Small Faces - Lazy Sunday
14. The Magnetic Fields - Meaningless
15. Billy Bragg - Saturday Boy
16. Suede - Trash
17. Jim Croce - Old Man River
18. The Housemartins - Happy Hour
19. Peter Gabriel - I Grieve You
20. The Gourds - Gin & Juice

A mighty fine collection I'm sure you'll agree....now where is that bottle opener?

Summer, Summer, Summer

2004-07-03T20:14:00.000+01:00

Right...enough of all this footy stuff. I got about 2 predictions right in the end so am thinking clairvoyancy isn't really my calling!

I've had much more fun compiling my summer burn 2004 cd - Hopefully get sent out on Monday to my lucky random people.

The tracklist =

1. The Kingsbury Manx - Hawaii in Ten Seconds
2. Shack - Carousel
3. Peter Gabriel - Sledgehammer
4. The Jam - Man in the Corner Shop
5. The Coral - Pass it on
6. Dusty Springfield - I Don't Want to Hear it Anymore
7. Public Enemy - Louder than a Bomb
8. The Mr. T Experience -...And I will be with you
9. Wilco - Summer teeth
10. Van Morrison - Tupelo Honey
11. The Smiths - This Charming Man
12. The Magnetic Fields - Love is Lighter than air
13. Spencer Davis Group - Gimme Some Lovin'
14. Suzanne Vega -99.9F
15. Paul Simon - Me & Julio down by the schoolyard
16. The Shins - Saint Simon
17. The La's - Feelin'
18. The National Trust - From Seven to Mars
19. The Divine Comedy - The Summerhouse
20. Billy Bragg - Accident Waiting to Happen
21. Jim O'Rourke - The Workplace

Ahhh, isn't it all summery....

Euro2004 - Tuesday

2004-06-22T22:16:00.000+01:00

Italy vs. Bulgaria
My prediction = 2-1 - Actual Score = 2-1
Oh yes, he's done it again. Just call me psychic-boy Sample.

Denmark vs. Sweden
My prediction = 2-1 - Actual Score = 2-2
Was one minute away from getting this exactly right. Still, at least the draw meant Italy were knocked out...ha,ha,ha

Euro2004 - Saturday, Sunday, Monday

2004-06-22T12:01:00.000+01:00

Latvia vs. Germany
My prediction = 1-2 - Actual Score = 0-0
My prediction never even looked likely with Latvia very unlucky not to get all 3 points - bloody English refs.

Holland vs. Czech Rep
My prediction = 2-2 - Actual Score = 2-3
By far the best game of the whole tournament with Czech's coming back from 2 goals down. For about 10 minutes I was right.

Spain vs. Portugal
My prediction = 4-2 - Actual Score = 0-1
The less said about this the better. I think I'm going to have to rethink my quarterfinal predictions!

Russia vs. Greece
My prediction = 2-2 - Actaul Score = 2-1
Very close with this one. Greece go through despite the loss. Who'd a thunk it?

Croatia vs. England
My prediction = 1-2 - Actual Score = 2-4
Ahhh, you see what I did there?! I actually predicted the half time score....silly me. C'mon Engerland!

Switzerland vs. France
My prediction = 0-2 - Actual Score = 1-3
Wrong again....bet you can't wait for my 2004/05 season long English Premier League predictions!..hmmm, thought so.

Euro2004 - Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

2004-06-19T15:14:00.000+01:00

Greece vs. Spain
My prediction = 1-2 - Actual Score = 1-1
Close - stupid Spanish should really have made it two nil before the Greeks equalised. Sets up a tasty looking final game between Spain and Portugal.

Russia vs. Portugal
My prediction = 0-3 - Actual Score = 0-2
Agonisingly close to being right with this one. Silly Russians.

England vs. Switzerland
My prediction = 2-0 - Actual Score = 3-0
Once again was one goal away from getting this right - still, at least we won so I can't be too upset.

Croatia vs. France
My prediction = 1-4 - Actual Score = 2-2
Hmmm, a little out with this one. The French were totally dominant and should have put the match away, but then made some stupid mistakes and in the end were lucky to escape with a draw.

Bulgaria vs. Denmark
My prediction = 0-1 - Actual Score = 0-2
Denmark score their second goal in injury time...buggers. Nice stadium mind.

Italy vs. Sweden
My prediction = 1-0 - Actual Score = 1-1
Sweden score in their equaliser in the 85th minute....buggers! Actually, I was quite pleased they did...don't like the spitting Italians. C'mon on Bulgaria!!

Euro2004 - Tuesday

2004-06-15T23:17:00.000+01:00

Czech Rep vs. Latvia
My prediction = 3-0 - Actual Score = 2-1
Eeeek, only just got the right winner. Good old Latvia put up a stern fight (bit disappointed that My Star by Brainstorn wasn't their National Anthem), but the skills of the Czech Republic finally shone through.

Germany vs. Holland
My prediction = 1-1 - Actual Score = 1-1
Hey-Hey, he's cooking on gas now! Good game with the German's a little unlucky to let in a late goal to the frankly rubbish Dutch team. The first of many correct predictions methinks.

Euro2004 - Monday

2004-06-14T22:54:00.000+01:00

Denmark vs. Italy
My prediction = 2-3 - Actual Score = 0-0
Completely wrong with this one - I blame the very warm conditions and an Italian team that can only play defensive football. Good game despite the scoreline.

Sweden vs. Bulgaria
My prediction = 2-0 - Actual Score = 5-0
At least I finally picked the winner..yay! Very entertaining game thanks in no small part to the Bulgarian's attacking skills and very slack defending. This must be the start of a sequence of right predictions...c'mon!

Euro2004 - The Opening Weekend Predictions

2004-06-13T23:39:00.000+01:00

With the first 4 games in the tournament completed let's see how right my predictions were:

Portugal vs. Greece
My prediction = 2-0 - Actual Score = 1-2
Hmmm, an inauspicious start there. I misjudged the organisational skills of Greece and totally forgot about how shite Portugal's defence is. Still, at least one-trick-pony-Ronaldo was to blame for the penalty...ha,ha,ha

Spain vs. Russia
My prediction = 0-0 - Actual Score = 1-0
For 60 minutes I was dead right...then the Spanish manager makes a double substitution and Spain score. Bugger.

Switzerland vs. Croatia
My prediction = 0-1 - Actual Score = 0-0
Oohh, I was so close. Dire game with Croatia just on top. The Swiss get a man sent off and surely Croatia will score a goal...they don't.

France vs. England
My prediction = 1-1 - Actual Score = 2-1
Another very close one. Becks misses a penalty to keep England ahead by one goal, Zidane knocks in a freekick...there were go. But what's this dodgy back-pass final minute French winner? Ahhhh crap.

Will I ever be right? - Come and see how I get on tomorrow!

Euro 2004 - My Footy Predictions

2004-06-07T21:01:00.000+01:00

You may be aware that the European Championship begins this weekend; well now, using only the power of my mind and footy skills, I will guess all the results from the first game to the final. If you don't wish to know the winner of the whole thing - look away now.

(n.b. I will publish the actual results after each match to see just how much of a DerrenBrownian I really am!)

Portugal vs. Greece = 2-0
Spain vs. Russia = 0-0
Switzerland vs. Croatia = 0-1
France vs. England = 1-1
Denmark vs. Italy = 2-3
Sweden vs. Bulgaria = 2-0
Czech Rep vs. Latvia = 3-0
Germany vs. Holland = 1-1
Greece vs. Spain = 1-2
Russia vs. Portugal = 0-3
England vs. Switzerland = 2-0
Crotia vs. France = 1-4
Bulgaria vs. Denmark = 0-1
Italy vs. Sweden = 1-0
Latvia vs. Germany = 1-2
Holland vs. Czech Rep = 2-2
Spain vs. Portugal = 4-2
Russia vs. Greece = 2-2
Croatia vs. England = 1-2
Switzerland vs. France = 0-2
Italy vs. Bulgaria = 2-1
Denmark vs. Sweden = 2-1
Holland vs. Latvia = 2-0
Germany vs. Czech Rep = 0-1

Quarter-Finals
1. (Group A Winners) Spain vs. (Group B Runners Up) England = 1-3
2. (Group B Winners) France vs. (Group A Runners Up) Portugal = 2-1
3. (Group C Winners) Italy vs. (Group D Runners Up) Holland = 1-0
4. Group D Winners) Czech Rep vs. (Group C Runners Up) Denmark = 2-0

Semi-Finals
1. England vs. Italy = 3-2
2. France vs. Czech Rep = 3-0

Final
England vs. France = ????? - I can't do it! Let's wait and see...

Fingers crossed everyone! Let the championship commence....

We've had the beginning; Now the end!

2004-06-04T12:28:00.000+01:00

Yes - spinning off from Radio 2's best opening lines, how about a best closing lines debate. It's a little trickier what with most songs just ending with chorus/fade-out...but here are some of my faves...

'When he woke she was gone with his car and all of his money' - Something For the Weekend (The Divine Comedy)

'When all I have to show for my doubt, is a blow to the lip and some blood on my shirt.' - Carnt be Trusted (The Bluetones)

'I'm outta here' - Electrolite (R.E.M.)

'hu-oh we all watch them burn' - We Are the Pigs (Suede)

Unsurprisingly Morrissey/The Smiths have some good'uns:

'ooh, I think I'm in love; Urrgh, I think I'm in lerv' - A Rush and A Push and The Land is Ours

'Keats and Yates are on your side, but you lose, because Wilde is on mine' - Cemetry Gates

'Everyday is silent and grey' - Everyday is like Sunday

Bom-bom-bom b-d-b-d-b-b-bo-bodobo

2004-05-20T20:39:00.000+01:00

I've finally done it...I've decided I'm boycotting Eastenders until some significant improvements are made (i.e. they get rid of half the present cast and script writers). I've just had enough of cringing through every episode. Goodbye Eastenders...I may never come back.

Eurovision 2004 - The Review

2004-05-18T23:31:00.000+01:00

1. Spain: - To Fill Myself Up With You
Beginning like George Michael's Faith this song soon became a fully blown Latin pop number with some nice bits of brass playing and the odd shouty moment. Just a tad too smarmy the Rickey Martin-esque lead singer had a little face-off dance with his drummer friend only to turn around and have his jacket removed by a couple of sexy ladies. The key lyric was, "I slowly Burn", but my particular favourite was, "now she's far away, like footsteps in the sand."

2. Austria: - Tie Break
Following in the tradition of freakish Eurovision boy bands Tie Break was sung by a trio of desperately trendy, dodgy voiced young lads (think Busted as an Austrian Boy Band). The performance began with a little twirly-wirly camera shot reminiscent of 3T in their prime and continued by tracking the lads as they slowly walked from one side of the stage to the other. A particular highlight was the one who looked like Bruised Knuckle from Blue and who was really going for it with clenched fists and everything. Choice lyric: "You are the gentle falling leaf." Yes sensei...

3. Norway: - High
Arena pop which began like a U2 song but then descended into slightly forgettable tedium. The lead singer's horribly oversized silver suit didn't help matters. His backing singers meanwhile, looked like they had just been dragged from a critical business meeting. Big key change at the end while they all sang, "High over the Rain" and "Your life can't be worth all your sacrifice"....sob!

4. France: -
Certainly a little strange, this was a ballad in which a small white-suited singer with a blonde-quiff and dodgy voice trudged down some stairs only to narrowly avoid being stood on by a lass in stilts engrossed in some expressive dancing. Of particular interest were the backing singers who looked like a cross between Egyptian mummies and Elizabethan aristocrats...nice. Having done a little dance with the stilt lady the lead singer led the band into a rousing finale with the words, "Blow very hard."

5. Serbia & Mont.: - My Delight
Newcomers to the Eurovision this song had a world musical, slightly Eastern sound. Beginning with a lone recorder player there soon entered another dodgy geezer in a white suit (note - the white suit seem to be this years costume of choice - fair enough I guess after last years spangly bra-a-thon). Anyway, after a while there entered a violinist who gave a great solo and then a couple of drummers who seemed to have perfected that classic Phil Collins synthetic drum sound. Indeed, the song finally finished with a good bang sound. Really quite yearning, the lyrics included, "Oh, my fawn" and "Oh my lassie, set off tonight." Ok...if you like that kind of thing - finished 2nd.

6. Malta: - On Again...Off Again
My particular favourite this could only be called a Europop-opera. Starting with a catchy beat the song featured a lady with bright white teeth and a pink dress and an unbelievably mullet-haired man. He had a great deep operatic kind of voice and showed us some really cheesy dance moves during the chorus. During the middle 8 they faced-offed with a couple of longing looks. He obviously loved her, she wasn't so keen. But then, in a tip-top "break it down" type moment the lady started doing operatic arpeggios while the mullet man sang the chorus again. Singing, "many natural highs" they ended like The Magnetic Fields...t'was the best!

7. Netherlands: - Without You
Beginning with three fat backing singers doing some do-wop, finger clicking soul, this song transformed itself into a guitar led ballad eerily similar to something Extreme might have done. Sat on stools the two singers were slightly odd looking, One with badly receding hair was absolutely rubbish at miming his guitar playing (he wasn't even touching the strings!), the other really went for it and stretched his voice a little but looked really happy so it didn't matter. As it goes this was actually quite nice.

8. Germany: - Can't Wait Until Tonight
Performed by a jazzy guitar band and a lead singer who looked like Sol from Hollyoaks (that's what he's up to now!), this was a bit pants. Sitting in a circle the band looked very happy with themselves and while there was some nice instrumental touches it was totally blown apart when the singer rose from his seat for his big middle 8 moment and completely lost his voice while reaching for the top note and ended up screeching. Choice lyric, "do, do, do, do, I can't wait."

9. Albania: - The Image of You
First time on Eurovision for Albania and the first of tonight's young Catherine Zeta Jones looky-likeys. "I'm Queen of the world of make believe" she told us before the song was graced with a rawking guitar solo. They didn't seem too comfortable on stage (wasn't a lot of movement) but the fade out type ending with its really good bass riff was tip-top.

10. Ukraine: - Wild Dancers
The eventual winners. Lots of hand clapping and energetic Hammer-time dancing. Terry called it Zena Warrior Princess and the costumes certainly had that Zena/Shakira style. There were odd flourishes of brass mingled with the bad Euro-synth sounds. Wips came out, lead singer was lifted in the air...a worthy winner? Give 'em the benefit of the doubt - at least it was entertaining.

11. Croatia: - You are the only one
A plinky-plonky synth led ballad with very quiet verses that erupted into very BIG chorus. It reminded me quite a bit of The Winner Takes it All by Abba (which is no bad thing). The lead be-suited blokey had squinty eyes but really gave it some with arms stretched out and everything. He pleaded for someone, "who would die for me", then rhymed me with me and for a third time me. All in all it was pretty good.

12. Bosnia & Herz.: - In the Disco
This was truly appalling! Classic Europop song about dancing in the disco, the blonde lead singer man wore a very tight top and was very very camp. He was joined by some dodgy backing girls desperately trying to look raunchy while body-popping. At the very least this song premiered the spangly-bra for the first time in the show. "Kiss me and turn me slow" sang the bloke....hmmm...yes.

13. Belgium: - Disco
Three up front - two bad podium dancers and another Catherine Zeta Jones looky-likey. This had a crap melody and even worse chorus. Reealllyyy boring. In fact it's only shining moment was when the camera panned back to reveal a bongo player (dressed in his replica footy shirt) having a great time. zzzzzzz

14. Russia: - Believe Me
OKish pop song with blonde Avril Lavinge the cheerleader to some oddly painted muscle men dressed in combat trousers. Actually had a nice melody but the blokes were quite distracting and the singer's attempts to be a bit mardi didn't quite work. Used the stage better than most and included the line, "far away like the man in the moon, my dear"...ah, bless.

15. Macedonia: - Life
Once again an Eastern sound dominated this oddly tempoed song. Led by a bearded bloke with a puffy white jacket the rest of the stage was taken up with some Robert Palmer-esque ladies dancing round their chairs and two blokes whose dance routine involved crossing their arms a lot. In an attempt to spice things up a bit they cracked out some ribbons (so like, last year!) and had a break-it-down moment where the lead blokey went off on one - he was really feeling it. Quite moody, a little repetitive and bland, they eventually suggested that, "life is a book, and you've got to read it."

16. Greece: - Shake It
Europop at it's finest. Bloke with birds telling us to "shake it." Catchy chorus and good dance routine. Although dubiously old, the lead singer had a big grin and while clothes came off (cue spangly stuff) he even managed to get a back-flip out of his aging bones. "I'd trade my life for a night with you" he sang....before succumbing to the altogether more healthy option: "shake it, shake it."

17. Iceland: - Heaven
Big ballad sung flatly by square-jawed bloke in white suit. All on his own, the singer actually looked quite bored by what he was doing and despite his efforts to rouse things with an emotional middle 8 the line, "it's in my head", actually seemed like a cry for help. "Bend with my blue", was the song's confusing lead line.

18. Ireland: - If My World Stopped Turning
Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha - would have been nul points but for the U.K school girl vote....A Westlife tribute act singing a Westlife reject song. "'Cos that's when I feel wholesome", "you made a winner out of me"....the cliches all came out with this true stinker.

19. Poland: - Love Song
I liked this pop song. Began with a old guy in black leather who was soon joined by lady in skimpy see through outfit. On their right, however, were some white suited brass players (one with no hair, one with some hair, one with Toploader lead singer hair) giving it some lovely licks. If you looked closely you could even make out the drummer who was, for some reason, located miles away from the rest of 'em. After a while, the old guy started letching after the lady, who went off to dance with the brass section all the while singing the catchy chorus: "sweet song, love song." A good one.

20. Great Britain: - Hold on to your love
Least he sang in tune. Alas that was the only plus for this dirge of a song. As if to emphasise it's blandness, the blokey and his backing singers were dressed in pastel colours. They were wearing beige for Christ sakes! Lighters were in the air and there was a key change towards the end but really, this was pathetic.

21. Cyprus: - Stronger Every Minute
Terry's favourite was an overloaded string ballad sung by a 16 year old Barbara Streisand-a-like all on her own. Some dodgy vocal moments and lots of sleeping...zzzzzzzzz

22. Turkey: - For Real
The first Ska band on Eurovision? Perhaps. Proper band who went for it with ginger haired lead singer not looking too bothered but tempted by the odd pogo. Lot's of tattoos and peace signals. The most interesting thing that happened was when the bongo player who'd collapsed at the side of stage woke up and turned into a dancing girl. Not really my cup of tea but they did well and were something different; thumbs up.

23. Romania: - I Admit
Very bad latin tinged Europop sung by scary looking women with big 80s hair and ugly backing blokes. Can't sing, can't dance, lots of flesh and heavy breathy middle section. Instantly forgettable.

24. Sweden: - It Hurts
Big opening and into Europop this was a good song to end the show. Wearing a pink dress and kinky-boots the flirty lead singer made great use of her microphone stand with lots of twirly-wirly moves before dramatically throwing it down for the big finish. "Oh it hurts, it really hurts" she yelped. Nice.

There you have it. Winner was Ukraine followed by Serbia and Greece. There were some interesting moments but all in all it wasn't as good as last year. Until next time....

I fear change...

2004-04-24T21:09:00.000+01:00

Last night Terry Wogan was on TV talking about the upcoming Eurovision song contest (must be getting closer now). All was going swimmingly until he said something about a "semi-final." Now I remember at the end of last year's contest a Eurovision boss-lady started blabbing on about some sort of two-tiered, structural reshaping craziness; that's just stupid I thought, who'd go and do something like that?...eeek, seems they've gone and done it. I hope this doesn't mean it's all gone pop idol.

Opening Lines

2004-04-24T18:01:00.000+01:00

Never one to miss out on a 'Best of' list, I hear that Radio 2 are in the midst of a best opening song line competition....

Off the top of my head I particularly like:

Bending the rules of a late night card game; where the loser removes an item of clothing.
Morrissey - Striptease with a Difference

Ooh, I bet youre wondering how I knew, bout your plans to make me blue.
Marvin Gaye - I Heard it through the Grapevine

He had a stroke at the age of 24, it could have been a brilliant career.
Belle & Sebastian - It Could Have Been a Brilliant Career

We will laugh the day that Thatcher dies, even though we know its not right, we will dance and sing all night.
Hefner - The Day That Thatcher Dies

Got a foot in the door, god knows what for.
Elliott Smith - Stupidity

One band with particularly strong opening lines is Pulp...they got some great ones:

We like driving on a Saturday night, past the leisure centre, left at the lights.
Pulp - Joyriders

Help the aged, one time they were just like you; drinking, smoking and sniffing glue.
Pulp - Help the Aged

Oh is this the way they say the futures meant to feel? Or just 20,000 people standing in a field.
Pulp - Sorted for E's & Wizz

What are your faves?

You got him?....Yeah, I got him....Take him....bang

2004-03-29T21:59:00.000+01:00

It's happened twice now...some film reviewer in the paper keeps having a go at The Untouchables (1987). Why? I think it's a tip-top film. Especially when it comes to memorable quotes....

You've got:

"Never stop, never stop fighting till the fight is done."
"What'd you say? What're you saying?"

...and,

"What's the matter. Can't you talk with a gun in your mouth?"

as well as my particular favourite,

"I want him dead! I want his family dead! I want his house burned to the ground!"

ha,ha,ha. What are your favourite moments in The Untouchables?

Stars in your mince pies

2004-03-17T21:29:00.000Z

Did anyone see the final of Stars in Your Eyes? I missed it....who won? Where they any good? I haven't watched it for ages. I think I started switching off around the time that 5 Ronan Keatings-in-their-eyes appeared during one series.

I can still remember the Freddy Mercury-a-like who won one year - then came back to open a new series with a top rendition of I Want to Break Free. Turns out he'd got a job as a tribute act. I wonder what happens to the losing contestants? You never see any of them all dressed up in their costumes busking do you? I remember at Lancaster there used to be one student who was always in town singing Oasis songs. In the evening everyone would pile out the pubs, see him and start shouting..."sunshiiieeeennnneee"...ha,ha,ha

I dread to think who is going to replace Matthew Kelly (please not Kat Deeley...eeeeek) I think they should get Henry Kelly - he could do it as well as Going For Gold - He'd be great.

Talking to the hand?...oh, just shut up

2004-03-08T22:18:00.000Z

Just read this on nme.com/news

'JAMELIA has branded chart rival PETER ANDRE's hit "rubbish" after he beat her to Number One.

The rising UK R&B star launched the attack after a re-release of his 1996 hit 'Mysterious Girl' beat 'Thank You' to Number One off the back of his recent reality TV antics.

Furious Jamelia told MTV: "Everyone knows that it's rubbish, everyone knew it was rubbish ten years ago, and it's still rubbish today. The real music heads will know that I am the rightful owner of the Number One spot.

"He deserves it because you know he'll never get another Number One, so let him have his cake. I think he's the new Justin Timberlake, I seriously do - in Croatia."'

I'm not sure why but this story got me really quite annoyed. Now i'm not Peter Andre's biggest fan or anything, but c'mon Jamelia where is your sense of humour? Mysterious Girl is a classic piece of cheese...it's all summery and I applaud the fact that they haven't tried to update the video...Oh, Boo-hoo-hoo it's rubbish is it?...you should be number one should you? Oh, grow up. I'm quite intrigued to find out who Jameila thinks the 'real music heads' are....what's that, you mean the idiots who signed you thinking you were bound to reach number one what will all the shite that infests today's charts....ah, has all gone a bit wrong hasn't it....now how about them apple-cakes?..errr..well, yes.

And what's this about slagging off Croatians' music taste....according to Mel & Luke's Eurovision Song Contest 2003 review Croatia did really quite well:
Croatia - I'm No Longer Yours
An upbeat europop tune with some risque ladies whose tops came off (thereby revealing their spangly bras). The highlight of the performance was the Asda-esque dance routine in which they all spanked their back pockets...

...I rest my case!

"I thought I picked your idiot string'....

2004-03-08T00:17:00.000Z

I'm sure that everybody used to love the 'Indecipherable Lyrics' round in Never Mind the Buzzcocks. My particular favourites were when Suggs suggested that Shabba Ranks had rapped "I packed my tiddley microphone" and Tony Terrorvision's adamant belief that Busta Rhymes said "I had a freak shit"..ha,ha,ha

In fact, only recently I was under the impression that in the Feeder song Buck Rogers the blokey sang, "get cider from a lemon", which let's face it would be some sort of weird lemonade-scrumpy....I then realised, he must be saying "get cider from Eleven" - which would make a whole heap of sense what with early pub opening times and the band probably having little to do in Devon after visiting all the charity shops but drink themselves into a stupor. But, sod me, I was then informed that he WAS actually singing "get cider from a Lemon" meaning I'd pretty much misunderstood the lemonade-scrumpy swiggers twice.

Apparently there are some websites dedicated to misheard lyrics but I can't be bothered to go looking, so if you have any to submit - do it here!

So far so good.

2004-03-05T12:54:00.000Z

As you can now see my blog is now fully up and running - major thanks should go to Mel who sorted everything out and gave me some tips about how to understand all the crazy computer language...yay for Mel!

Over the next few weeks visitors to my blog will be treated to some despondent rants and ramblings - Of particular interest I'm sure, will be the annual Eurovision song Contest review. If any of you watched 'Making your Mind Up', you'll know that Britain has no chance of winning. They just didn't follow the Eurovision Song rules:

i) Never, never, never try to be too clever with your song - Forget all this new-fandangled "Urban" rubbish, just bash out some upbeat Europop (remember to include at least 2 key changes towards the end)
ii) That said, never skimp on the songwriting. Ensure that the lyrics are slightly silly but not too ridiculous - "She's the one from the Magical World" is good, "I'm not afraid of a blade" is plain stupid.
iii) Your Eurovision group should consist of several strange looking people, but must invariably include a set of under-dressed girls and a lone Michael Bolton lookielikey backing singer. The removal of some clothes is recommended, but not too many.
iv) Whether they be giant record decks or long ribbons props are always helpful in preoccupying the audience's attention - use accordingly.
iv) To get the crowd going utilise the entire stage - espeicially the little walkways - If you're singing a duet make it heartfelt by meeting in the middle at the end.
v) When in doubt dress up like robots and sing 'Sagapooooo, say the password'....ha,ha,ha,ha

If you have know of any other surefire Eurovision rules - let me know!

2004-03-04T21:54:00.000Z

this is a test...hope it works